Paper: emo.
I’ve got a feeling… And it’s called Saudade. A “vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist… a turning towards the past or towards the future”, as Wikipedia puts it…
It’s been following me around for a while now, my own personal emo cloud. I’ve been missing people and places and moments, real or imagined, near or far away.
It’s a beautiful word, Saudade. It has a certain ring to it, something musical. It’s nice to float around in it for a while. Dreaming about what might have been, shoulda coulda woulda… Little pictures dancing in your head, reruns of memories and spools of faces and feelings and thoughts. It’s like getting lost in a novel, your favourite fantasy escape. Even sweeter ‘cos it’s not real. Although, maybe, once upon a time, it was. And you were the star of your very own show – a show that changed in the retelling, with a principal role that waxed or waned according to your whims.
It does get a bit jarring after a while though. The notes kind of overlap and awkward pauses slip in. You hear the same chorus over and over again. The riffs get old. No progress, no growth. Kind of like an earworm stuck on repeat once-upon-a-fever-dream.
And you wake up one morning and it’s all just grey 2D images with sad-faced clowns and an intense feeling of frustration. I really hate clowns.
Suddenly, you notice that you’ve lost time. You’ve lost developments in the lives of your friends; you’ve missed that extra line appearing on the face of a loved one. You remember one vague embrace long ago, but you can’t recall last week’s whispered endearments.
That kind of sucks. To be stuck, not by necessity, but by choice. The question is, are you ready to get out? Or shall we spend another night chasing ghosts?
Tags: being extremely emo, dustbunniesproject, fantasy and escapism, fever dreams, getting lost in novels, Saudade, Wikipedia