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Ode to the Common Cold

Giant microbes from Vestal Design
No, they're not cute, they're horrible. But you can buy them at

You insinuated yourself into the graveyard shift of my dreams, creeping up through the perfectly respectable vampires doing their perfectly understandable bloodsucking thing… At first, I thought you to be just an eerily physical side effect of said dreams. But no… First a tickle, then a scratch, and I woke up at an unholy hour with the full and terrible knowledge of your existence: a sore throat. Literal pain in my neck, you stupid vampiric life form.

Things went quickly downhill from there… The weakness, sneezing, nasal drip drip drip like a leaky faucet… And I know how it will play out. The fever dreams with Lady Marmalade as the chosen soundtrack – on repeat; the piles of tissues collecting like a snotty army of darkness; the bleary-eyed struggle to focus on my computer screen (damn us workaholics); the red and tender skin around my nose; the wheezing cough and gurgling struggle to breathe; the extra-hard nudges in the ribs as my snores reach epic proportions; the tasteless food that awaits me…

You’ll keep me from my masochistic training sessions, you’ll cause others to look at me in disgust and vague pity… I’ll overdose on ginger and lemon tea and vitamin C, I’ll schnarf down Med-Lemon and eat Corenza C raw. I’ll be unkissable, unhuggable, a pathetic lump of coughs and curses.

Eventually, you’ll wend your way to some other unfortunate soul, probably those with their desks closest to mine. And I’ll start feeling marginally better.

But wait, shall we test if the monster is really dead? Let’s. I’ll climb those stairs and they’ll find me halfway to the top, collapsed from lack of strength in my noodlish limbs and lack of air in my refried lungs.
I won’t even get a plaque in my memory. Probably just a lonely tissue left lying in the corner…

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