Scritch… scritch… scritch…
Rob Zombie’s latest effort uses this sound to good effect: the uncomfortably arrhythmic heartbeat of an old-school record player come to the end of its cycle and sticking… sticking… sticking…
It’s a muted and strangely big sound that adds to your sense of fearful claustrophobia when the young and, above all, beautiful heroines open the front door of their safe haven and you already know… Michael Myers is in da hooouuusssseee, baby!
Yep, dear old Rob has tried his hand at another remake, this time Halloween 2, and has gone off on a tangent that adds to the existing Myers mythology. We meet a young, sweet-faced but already insane Michael, and get a sense of the unhealthy obsessions that will soon lead to loads of people getting chopped into bits of gristle and soup bones. Oedipal complex be damned: Michael’s every step is dogged by mommy dearest leading a white horse and his younger self by the, uhm, reins… Not very subtle with his character’s unconscious urges and driving forces, Rob is. Although it’s pretty damn unnerving to see that sweet boy next to the anything-but-gentle giant in a rotting flesh mask and know that they’re one and the same…
So why is he not dead yet? ‘Cos mommy wants the family circle reunited. The movie picks up right where Halloween 1 left off: with little Laurie all bloodied up from an attack, and on her way to hospital… But her brother’s not far behind. Yep, it turns out Michael has a sister. And she doesn’t know it yet, but she’s about to find out that blood runs thicker than wheat-free pizza with your adopted dad and shared roofies with your friends. Although she’ll probably find it a relief to know what all those acid-trip nightmares are about…
There’s a lot of blood, guts and gore left in Michael’s wake. I must admit that I had to close my eyes once or twice… And that’s where Zombie’s real magic came in. The sound. Because despite sticking my head as deep down my popcorn as possible, I could still see the bones breaking, the tendons snapping, the last bits of blood draining with a whimper through a severed windpipe. Zombie puts his characters through every type of hell – twice – and records every crunch and spurt in pitch-perfect clarity. A note: John Carpenter’s original theme music for Halloween isn’t used anywhere in the movie, only in the end credits. Zombie apparently didn’t feel it had the right effect in any of the scenes.
So as Michael gleefully slaughters on, there’s a few lessons to take to heart…
• A cow is the ultimate prop. In fact, at least one appearance of a cow in any movie should be mandatory.
• Please. Do. Not. Have. Sex. No matter what that groovy Teen Wolf at the Halloween party says, his Shaggin’ Wagon won’t turn out to be the hottest spot in town. And if he leaves to take a piss, run for it. And don’t even talk about having sex with, say, a corpse. Just don’t.
• Young, beautiful, sassy, potty-mouthed and, above all, female? Tickets. If you flashed your boobs at any time, you’re probably first to go.
• Women in flowing white dresses: to be avoided, preferably. Especially if you’re driving past Uniondale.
• Is your prince riding in on a white horse? Baby, hit the road, quickly… His mom’s probably not far behind him.
• Your commander just told you to go protect his daughter at home? Get out of town, quick.
• You’re coming home after a rocking party, and find the house ransacked? For heaven’s sake, don’t go up the stairs. But once you’re up there, don’t go down again.
• I know there’s an unspoken rule that you should never check if the monster is dead. In Myers’s case, it’s probably a good idea to check, preferably using a battleaxe.
• For sheer cutting & gutting pleasure, nothing beats the good old kitchen carving knife.
• Don’t ever pick on a giant man wearing a dodgy mask.
I can’t actually recommend this movie to anyone… I don’t want to be blamed for any residual nightmares, without the fun of, say, Sam Raimi’s squeaky evil hankies. Don’t expect any unexpected twists or shocks: it’s all pretty much cut and dried from the first scene. Sadly, it’s predictable and not much fun. Rather go rent Evil Dead again!
